When there are no words...

There have been, are, and will be many rivers of blog entries on the devastation of New Orleans and the other Gulf Coast areas.

I, however, can only weep and wonder why G-d stepped out for his smoke break at precisely the wrong time.

I watch the pictures and every child is my child, every parent is me, and as I watch the hungry and haunted move throughout the flood-swollen streets I think how thin our veneer of civilization. In a moment, the richest amongst us and the poorest are reduced to the same squalor and devastation. To my thinking, this is a picture of how the world could end if we're not a whole lot smarter.

I am profoundly sad but since I have the means, I've given my share to the Red Cross to aid in the clean-up and recovery. I urge you to do the same, whether it's the Red Cross or another organization.

If you have a roof over your head tonite, clean water to drink and enough food to eat, trot on over to redcross.org and send 'em what you can. If nothing else, we can restore a little of the gloss to the veneer.

Adopt a staff member?

This will be a short one ... kids just started school today and I have writer's cramp from filling out tens of forms. But one little item caught my eye.

On one of numerous sheets, there was notice of an Adopt A Staff Member at the kids' elementary school. The idea is to adopt a staff member and send them little gifts, cards, etc for their morale. (Hey, I'd like some more of that kinda thing, too. Who wouldn't.)

But the use of adopt in this case, of course, didn't set well with me. So I filled out the form with an arrow for the reader to see my remarks on the back. I explained that as an adoptive mom the use of adopt/adoption in this case was offensive. I'll be happy to sponsor, support, hug and kiss a staff member if they so choose, but please don't use adoption in this context.

I signed it with my email and phone #. I'm sure when it's read I'll go straight to the PIA Parent List with a gold star by my name.

Ask me if I care. Really, ask me. Puh-leeeeeeze.

:=)

Slowly pulling my life back together

Well, with excrutiating slowness, life is beginning to resemble some form of normalcy ... I'm getting my Washington Post in the morning, have cable again (with the nifty digital on-demand thing), and after wanting to hit my head repeatedly on the wall waiting for Verizon to install my DSL only to be told they don't know when they can because the central office is full, I got a cable modem.

Of course, the first one was defective. Got a new one and wow, I'm back in business. (You can't do business in a dial-up environment anymore. Don't even try.)

My house, however, is still a mess.

Kids are registered for school (after providing sheets and sheets of proof and documentation that yes, we live here. Really.) which starts on Monday. Thursday am orientation for my middle schooler. Friday afternoon orientation for my youngest 2.

Tonite we go to Staples for supplies and eat pizza.

Lots of adoption/racial things floating around my head as of late. I'll be back in a few days to discuss.

Longest week of my life

Finally, finally, finally ... after 3 trucks and 2x a day (sometimes 3x a day) trips between the old place and the new -- we're home in our new place. Phones are screwed up and my DSL won't be installed until Thursday evening.

This dial-up thing bites.

Met one neighbor. Quiet, loves his garden, and has a daughter the same age as my eldest so she has someone to walk to the bus stop with (in the very least, we'll know where the bus stop is.)

After 25 years of knowing where everything was in my previous community, exploring again is exciting and nerve wracking.

Be back in a few days.

Moving Day!

Well, tomorrow is the day ... the big move with the big burly guys and the 2 big trucks. Said good-bye to the ladies at the post office, said goodbye to our Rabbi, and said goodbye to the owners of our favorite Chinese restaurant.

I'll be back in a few days (if Verizon gets our promised phone service up and running. Was supposed to be today, but ... ) and let you know how it goes. (We haven't met any of our neighbors yet, but we hear there are several kids close to our kids' ages.

Here's hoping so.

Did you know that Steve Jobs was adopted? Me either...

Here's an excerpt from his commencement address at Stanford University. Note the information about his birth mother and the circumstances of his adoption.

===========================================
(excerpted from Steve Jobs' commencement speech, June
2005 at Stanford University):

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months,
but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months
or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a
young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to
put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I
should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was
all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his
wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the
last minute that they really wanted a girl.

So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in
the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected
baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course."

My biological mother later found out that my mother had
never graduated from college and that my father had never
graduated from high school.

She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only
relented a few months later when my parents promised that
I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively
chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford,
and all of my working-class parents' savings were being
spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't
see the value in it.

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no
idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And
here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved
their entire life.

So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work
out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back
it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute
I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes
that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the
ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic.

I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in
friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢
deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles
across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a
week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of
what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and
intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me
give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best
calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the
campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was
beautifully hand-ornamented with calligraphy.

Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the
normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to
learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif
typefaces, about varying the amount of space between
different letter combinations, about what makes great
typography great.

It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a
way that science can't capture, and I found it
fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application
in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing
the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And
we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first
computer with beautiful typography.

If I had never dropped in on that single course in
college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces
or proportionally spaced fonts.

And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no
personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped
out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy
class, and personal computers might not have the
wonderful typography that they do.

Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking
forward when I was in college. But it was very, very
clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you
can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to
trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.
You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life,
karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and
it has made all the difference in my life.

=====================================

Thoughts?

It's a girl thing -- or maybe not

My youngest kids, son and daughter, go to a local Tae Kwan Do (karate) school. They both started as "no belts" through an after-school program. School instruction is lead by a young man, mid 20s is my guess, who I'm guessing is a Korean-born native. (Very slight accent which I always notice since so many in my own family were foreign born and speak with accents.) He is an excellent instructor overall and my kids adore him.

Son has really taken to the program. He loves it and is good at it. He's strong and a little bit lumbering, but he's a thoughtful fighter. Daughter likes to do what brother does, so while she lacks the passion, she makes up for it in determination. She is petite but powerful and can do boy push-ups like nobody's business. She's also quite elegant as she moves through her forms and she's not afraid to mix it up while sparring.

They recently tested for their second "stripe or tip" on their while belts, last stop on their way to yellow belt status. Both were fully geared up for testing. My son was ready, wasn't sure about daughter.

So they both tested. Son did fine, tho he fell during one of his forms. He got his tip. Daughter didn't know her student creed or the order of the forms but did fine through everything else. I didn't think she'd get her tip (and she didn't), but what interested me was the instructor's response.

He was much more encouraging of my son through the testing process than my daughter, even with the fall. When daughter tested, he seemed more strict, less accommodating. His approach to her a bit harsher when she failed to pass. All subtle, but both hubby and I noticed it. (Daughter is also a crier and although he had her back to me, I knew we were in for the full waterworks when I watched her nod her head and pull her hair a bit furiously while being talked to. Instructor looked uncomfortable with her tears and didn't look at her again for the remaining session.)

So I wondered what I was actually watching. Did I see a bit of that Asian/Korean cultural thing about the value of girls being less than boys? I see it a lot at our local Chinese restaurant where we've known the owners since they opened. They continue to fawn over son, call him by name and while friendly, it's not the same over daughter. (And I can't think of a time they have called her by name.) It was all very subtle, but I saw it clear as day. (And if my hubby saw it, it was a neon sign.)

I'm also thinking about our move to a new part of Maryland which, as one its features, has a larger Asian-American population, especially Korean. I think about the KA community and their reaction to my KADs (Korean adoptees) (and not only KADs, but Jewish KADs.) In this world, my children's adopted-ness will most likely take first seat to their Asian-ness.

To paraphrase Barbie, "This adoptive parenting stuff is hard." The subtle interplay of race, culture, circumstances of birth, family status, gender roles, faith - which leads and when. And I can only guide, I can't protect - especially as my children get older.

Potty-training was easier.

Update on Bethany

Looks like Bethany in MS has changed their minds. Catholics ARE Christians. (I don't know about you, but I'm relieved.)

ADOPTION AGENCY CHANGES POLICY TO ACCEPT CATHOLIC APPLICANTS

Seriously, tho, do we really need these artificial impediments to keep qualified men and women from adopting children who sorely need loving homes? But don't get me started. I may start to question even more ...

Snappy Comebacks & Related Comments

Wonderful collection of adoption, language, stupid questions, and snappy comebacks collected by another adoptive mom with attitude. (Disclaimer, you'll see "Roberta's List of 14 Nosy Questions" as one of the links.

Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Questions and more

This is a keeper. I'd bookmark it for your personal collection.

Palm-type Gear for Parents

I don't have a Palm, Blackberry or any of the numerous things folks tote around, but here's a nice link to a bunch of very useful parent/kid organizer programs.

Baby/Parent Medical Organizer and Related Software for Your Palm
Enjoy!

AsianWeek Article - Nastily Hilarious: ‘The Kims of Comedy’

Interesting article about 3 Korean-American comics working today, one of whom was adopted.

Nastily Hilarious: ‘The Kims of Comedy’

Having done stand-up comedy - (yes, I really did, albeit briefly in my early 20s), I understand that comedy can be used aggressively to challenge assumptions, stereotypes, and simply to shock (think Margaret Cho, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, and George Carlin, who is still on angry, angry dude). Comedy has also been a way for minorities to get their point across to the mainstream majority in a safer, less threatening fashion. Sorta like ethnic restaurants. First we'll get you used to our food. Then we'll make you laugh. And when you least expect it, we'll move in next door and marry your children.

There is a method to the laughter, n'est pas? (Someone please correct my french. I only had 2 years of it in high school.)

One door closes...

So yesterday we settled on our current house. This has been an arduous process (settlement was several days late), so by the time it actually came (with only a few hours notice), hubby and I were simply going through the motions. Title company gave us a bottle of champagne, but I'm not quite ready to celebrate just yet. 3 weeks ahead of changing phones, closing this, opening that is a little overwhelming right now.

Perhaps I'll have some pithy adoption-related tidbit for you tomorrow. In the meantime, feel free to talk amongst yourselves :=) No topic. Think of it as "adult swim" time.

Testing Toys

I'll be testing blogger toys over the next few days. Check out the little tag board thingie in the right column.

Meant to be?

As you may or may not know, I'm the owner of AdoptShoppe.com and we sell a variety of adoption gifts and books. As the owner of the store, I have the freedom to merchandise it, to some degree, to my own sensibilities. Hence, you won't find certain popular adoption lifebooks because I don't like the adoption language used.

What you also won't find is merchandise tagged with stuff like, "Meant to Be" because where are the birth parents left in the equation? Some poor Korean girl factory worker falls in love, gets pregnant outside of marriage and makes an adpption plan because her baby is actually meant to be mine?

No, sorry. That doesn't work for me. I don't know that my children, any of them, were meant to be. I had a few miscarriages before my eldest was born. I had lots more after she was born. Had any of those other pregnancies been viable, my family size and make-up would have been different. I don't think I was meant to suffer all those losses. I think I was meant to be open to life's possibilities, the good and the not-so-good.

Back to "meant to be." For those of us who believe in reincarnation (I'm open on the subject, would like to believe it's possible), there is the belief that we tend to travel in familiar groups, the roles simply change. So, your wife in this life could have been a brother or distant uncle in a previous life. Sometimes we orbit close, sometimes not. If this is the case, perhaps our children's birth parents (unknown to us now but maybe not in the long continuum of things) are fellow travelers. We have been connected over many lifetimes and will continue to be over many more.

Now that's something I could put on a t-shirt - Fellow Traveler on Life's Continuum. What do you think?

From CNN - Bethany Agency in MS won't work with Catholics

Not being Christian, I've always found the "Are Catholics Christians?" puzzling. Looks like Bethany in Mississippi has a specific stand on the question, and they say no, they aren't.

Christian adoption agency snubs Catholics

Article from The Jewish Week - The Color of Inclusion

Not only are we a blended family - biological and adopted children ... not only are we a transracial/multicultural family ... we are also a Jewish family. Wow, now that's a lot of extra stuff, ain't it.

The "look" of the Jewish community is certainly changing - through intermarriage, adoption, etc. I thought you might find this article interesting.

The Color Of Inclusion
West Coast conference brings together Jews of color from across the globe to celebrate diversity.

Debra Nussbaum Cohen - Staff Writer

NYTimes Article - What is cultural identity anyhow?

Not about adoption specifically, but I thought it brought up some interesting points about cultural identity.

ARTS / MUSIC | July 12, 2005
Latin American Singer's Rainbow Coalition of Identities

By LARRY ROHTER
For music listeners fascinated by questions of cultural identity, Jorge Drexler is the man.

Interview with Cheri Register

Here's a link to an interview with Cheri Register. She's the author of "Are Those Kids Yours" and her new book "Beyond Good Intentions." (These are two must-reads for adoptive parents.)

Read Article Here

Article from NewDemographic.com

Article from NewDemographic.com

Whether Or Not There Are "Issues," Parents Need to Talk With Their Mixed Heritage Kids

http://www.newdemographic.com/articles050701talkmixedkids.htm

Neither here nor there

I realized it had been a while since I added to the Adoptive Parent section of AdoptKorea.com but with so much on my plate lately, I thought I'd blog at least part of the section because it seemed a little easier, a lot cooler, and I get to play with a new web toy.

As of this writing, we're less than a week from closing on the house we've lived and loved in for 15 years. I was married in this house, rocked 3 babies in this house, and in May we celebrated Hilary's (our first-born) Bat Mitzvah in this house.

But we're moving from the state's second worst public school system to its best and where the Asian-American community is more visible. I've lived in this area for almost 25 years, longer than I lived on LI growing up in Massapequa, and it's a very bittersweet parting.

But for my children, all my children, the time has come for us to make a change. Spence is almost 8 and going into 3rd grade. Piper is 6-1/2 and entering first grade. They're exciting about seeing more Asian kids and living in a brand-new place. Hilary is entering 8th grade and is looking forward to the challenges of a more achievement-oriented middle school compared to where she's been (but she'll sad about the friends she'll be leaving behind. Me, too.)

And so welcome to my blog where over the next days, weeks, and months, I'll be sharing the next phase of our lives together.