My Baby Girl Turns 8 Today
Today, my youngest daughter turned 8. She is a Jewish girl with a Christmas Eve birthday. As is our tradition, we begin the celebration the night before. She asked for a chocolate ice cream cake with Hershey Kisses.
We eased the "8" candle into the frosting and added two extra candles. One for my darling girl to grow on. One as a way for her to honor her first mother, her Korean mother. "Before you make a wish for you, make a special wish to her because she is thinking of you, too."
Unlike my son who is my deep thinker and often ponders the circumstances of his Korean family and his adoption, my little girl lives very much in the present. She is the ultimate believer in "Be Here Now." I wait for the big questions, but they don't seem to be much on her mind. I gently encourage the big questions with books or teachable moments from TV, but nope, just not on her mind.
How different our children are as they find their respective paths to self and self-awareness. Okay, I say. I'm here when you're ready.
****************
The Rules of Otherness
I found this on one of the multiracial Jewish listgroups I belong to. (Jewish and non-white and adopted can make for a major load of "otherness.") I like 'em as they reflect much of my own beliefs. Call them Rules of Thumb Governing "Otherness" when it comes to our special families. They refer to school, neighborhood, religious institutions and community at large.
1. I don't want us EVER to be the only Jewish family.
I could be one of a handful, but not the only. When I was first married to my ex-husband, we looked for places to live. Charles County, MD in 1977, close to my husband's work and with cheaper rents, didn't have a single synagogue. We took a pass.
2. I don't want us EVER to be the only multi-racial family.
Our kids need to see themselves and their families reflected in the larger world outside.
3. There has to be diversity already. My children can never BE the diversity.
I think this is the most important rule of all. Asking our children to carry this responsibility is unfair and burdensome. Childhood is hard enough without having to play ambassador, too. Race matters and love is not enough. Period.
None of this is easy. It means evaluating job offers/transfers, schools and neighborhoods in a way you may have never thought about before. It means asking your church or synagogue about the diversity of the congregation. With all of this, we as parents still risk "not getting it" or "getting it wrong." But try we must.
***************
Why wishing me "Merry Christmas" is fine, but "Happy Holidays" is better.
So much discussion online, in the newspapers and TV about the "Happy Holidays" vs "Merry Christmas" wars. I have no idea why the more inclusive "Happy Holidays" somehow undercuts someone else's personal observance of whatever he or she may celebrate, but there you go. To my mind, "Happy Holidays" includes New Year's so I'm thinking no matter what, I'm wishing somebody something good in December.
Doesn't that count? :=)
As Hanukkah (mercifully!) concludes this evening and Christmas begins, I'm wishing you and yours "something good" -- enjoy this fun and festive Christmas song video from from Korea. Cute tune, cute kids.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
I Have A Little Dreidel ...
Since our first born was old enough to have a little friend or two, we've always made the first night of Hanukkah a night for the kids and their non-Jewish friends. It's fun, festive, and gives the non-Jewish kids a chance to experience a different kind of holiday.
This evening, our oldest had 1 friend, our son 2 friends, and our youngest daughter also had 2 friends. Hubby made latkes (potato pancakes), we served doughnuts (fried food is the centerpiece of the holiday) and played Dreidel with chocolate coins in gold foil.
Now you have to appreciate the mix in my house: couple of white kids, couple of East Asian kids, and a couple of Korean kids. Some Christian, some Hindu, some Jewish. I listened and watched them all play Dreidel using the hebrew names for each spin.
Say what you will, I love this country :=)
I found this on YouTube. Wishing you and yours a swinging, rocking Hanukkah!
This evening, our oldest had 1 friend, our son 2 friends, and our youngest daughter also had 2 friends. Hubby made latkes (potato pancakes), we served doughnuts (fried food is the centerpiece of the holiday) and played Dreidel with chocolate coins in gold foil.
Now you have to appreciate the mix in my house: couple of white kids, couple of East Asian kids, and a couple of Korean kids. Some Christian, some Hindu, some Jewish. I listened and watched them all play Dreidel using the hebrew names for each spin.
Say what you will, I love this country :=)
I found this on YouTube. Wishing you and yours a swinging, rocking Hanukkah!
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
When Did We Stop Caring About Children Not Our Own? Bus Stops & Mom Behaviors
I turn 52 next month. I've been a parent for over 14 years now. I've spent the last 10 walking my kids to and from the elementary school bus stop. Where we used to live, I was one of two parents who made the daily trip. In our new community, I am one of half-a-dozen or so parents who escort their little cherubs on and off the bus.
Yet, I remain the only parent who "parents" the kids whose parents aren't there. I'm the mom who reminds a child to zip a jacket or ask him where his jacket is when the weather turns cold. (Sometimes I even do the zipping.) I'm the mom who yells, "Nobody move until the bus stops completely" before the kids start swarming the morning bus. And I'm the mom who tells the kids, including my own, to get off the neighbor's lawn so he'll have something green come Spring.
The other moms are nice people. I enjoy speaking with them. But they don't engage anyone else's child but their own. (I even heard one mom mutter, "I don't care. He's not mine.")
There's no question in my mind that my behavior is rooted in my 1950s/1960s upbringing where every mom on my block parented every child on the block. That's what grown-ups did back then. It was part of the job.
But not today, not anymore. I suppose I do this a little out of fear. G-d forbid a child should slide under a bus wheel while on my "watch" -- how could I live with myself if that were to happen? Tell the cops it wasn't my job since it wasn't my kid?
So, I've accepted that this job is simply part of my overall karma. I am the bus stop monitor who zips jackets, and wipes noses, and keeps kids off the neighbor's grass. I will be out there, rain or shine, until my youngest no longer rides the elementary school bus. That's 3 years from now.
Will there be another mom to take my place when my job concludes? You tell me.
Yet, I remain the only parent who "parents" the kids whose parents aren't there. I'm the mom who reminds a child to zip a jacket or ask him where his jacket is when the weather turns cold. (Sometimes I even do the zipping.) I'm the mom who yells, "Nobody move until the bus stops completely" before the kids start swarming the morning bus. And I'm the mom who tells the kids, including my own, to get off the neighbor's lawn so he'll have something green come Spring.
The other moms are nice people. I enjoy speaking with them. But they don't engage anyone else's child but their own. (I even heard one mom mutter, "I don't care. He's not mine.")
There's no question in my mind that my behavior is rooted in my 1950s/1960s upbringing where every mom on my block parented every child on the block. That's what grown-ups did back then. It was part of the job.
But not today, not anymore. I suppose I do this a little out of fear. G-d forbid a child should slide under a bus wheel while on my "watch" -- how could I live with myself if that were to happen? Tell the cops it wasn't my job since it wasn't my kid?
So, I've accepted that this job is simply part of my overall karma. I am the bus stop monitor who zips jackets, and wipes noses, and keeps kids off the neighbor's grass. I will be out there, rain or shine, until my youngest no longer rides the elementary school bus. That's 3 years from now.
Will there be another mom to take my place when my job concludes? You tell me.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Michael Richards is no Andy Kaufman
Since I spent some time railing about Mel Gibson's vicious anti-semitic rant, it's only fair I comment on the latest "celebrity gone mad", Michael Richards. His deeply racist, hateful spew was captured on someone's cellphone camera. (I won't show it here, but you can see it just about anywhere.)
Here's what we know:
But at some point, the comic alerts his/her audience to the joke. Richards, if he was attempting to walk in the giants of this comic art, failed miserably. If he wasn't, then he needs help. With his rage, his racism, and his misogyny.
Many moons ago, when I was very young, I did stand-up comedy. (Trust me, even with death, divorce, and childbirth in my history, stand-up comedy is harder.) Being heckled is part of the job. How a comic handles it marks him/her as a professional ... or not.
I liked Richards, thought he was a terrific physical comic actor. A first-rate second banana. But a little of him goes a long way. Now? A little of him is way too much. Richards should seek out his friends for help and intervention and stay off the stage until he gets himself together and into some serious therapy.
Here's what we know:
- Richard's career has been moribund since Seinfeld went off the air
- He didn't work stand-up in his early days. He was a sketch artist (If you're of a certain age, you might remember him from the short-lived SNL clone, Fridays. Larry David (Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm) was also on this show.
- The heckler who first taunted him wasn't African-American.
- A few days prior to the well-publicized meltdown, Richard's performance included vicious attacks on women and Jews (Richards is Jewish.)
But at some point, the comic alerts his/her audience to the joke. Richards, if he was attempting to walk in the giants of this comic art, failed miserably. If he wasn't, then he needs help. With his rage, his racism, and his misogyny.
Many moons ago, when I was very young, I did stand-up comedy. (Trust me, even with death, divorce, and childbirth in my history, stand-up comedy is harder.) Being heckled is part of the job. How a comic handles it marks him/her as a professional ... or not.
I liked Richards, thought he was a terrific physical comic actor. A first-rate second banana. But a little of him goes a long way. Now? A little of him is way too much. Richards should seek out his friends for help and intervention and stay off the stage until he gets himself together and into some serious therapy.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
White Privilege Checklist: What's Your Score?
I've often said (and adoptkorea.com repeats) that when we adopt transracially, we are no longer a white family with a child of color. We become a transracial family.
But that's at home. When we're out and about in public, there's us white APs (if you're indeed white) and our Asian/AA/biracial children. Consider this checklist below and the privileges that are afforded us because of our majority/mainstream status:
White Privilege Checklist
Peggy McIntosh, Associate Director of the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, describes white privilege as an invisible package of unearned assets, which I can count on cashing in each day, but about which I was .meant. to remain oblivious. White privilege is like an invisible weightless knapsack of special provisions, maps, passports, code books, visas, clothes, tools, and blank checks. (McIntosh, 1989).
___ 1. I can arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.
___ 2. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.
___ 3. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.
___ 4. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization", I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.
___ 5. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.
___ 6. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the food I grew up with, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can deal with my hair.
___ 7. Whether I use checks, credit cards, or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial responsibility.
___ 8. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing, or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race.
___ 9. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.
___ 10. I can take a job or enroll in a college with an affirmative action policy without having my co-workers or peers assume I got it because of my race.
___ 11. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race.
___ 12. I can choose public accommodation with out fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated.
___ 13. I am never asked to speak for all of the people of my racial group.
___ 14. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk with the"person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race.
___ 15. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven.t
been singled out because of my race.
___ 16. I can easily by posters, postcards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys, and
children.s magazines featuring people of my race.
___ 17. I can choose blemish cover or bandages in .flesh. color and have them more or less match my skin.
___ 18. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.
___ 19. I can walk into a classroom and know I will not be the only member of my race.
___ 20. I can enroll in a class at college and be sure that the majority of my professors will be of my race.
As a Jew, change race to religion and I can personally relate to some of these questions. (Invariably depending on the news of the day, I was sought out for the "Jewish" opinion at a mid-size publishing company I worked at years ago.) I grew up in a decidedly non-Jewish neighborhood, as well.
But unlike the race you wear on your face, I can choose to "hide" my faith/ethnicity.
Being recognized as the "other" means you're not the norm. As a writer it's easy to spot. When an adjective is added to a common noun, like "male nurse, woman truck driver, adopted child", you can see what society views as normal and what it does not.
Take the test, share it with your spouse and other family members and friends. Hey, do it at Thanksgiving and you're really get the conversation going :=)
But that's at home. When we're out and about in public, there's us white APs (if you're indeed white) and our Asian/AA/biracial children. Consider this checklist below and the privileges that are afforded us because of our majority/mainstream status:
White Privilege Checklist
Peggy McIntosh, Associate Director of the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, describes white privilege as an invisible package of unearned assets, which I can count on cashing in each day, but about which I was .meant. to remain oblivious. White privilege is like an invisible weightless knapsack of special provisions, maps, passports, code books, visas, clothes, tools, and blank checks. (McIntosh, 1989).
___ 1. I can arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.
___ 2. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.
___ 3. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.
___ 4. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization", I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.
___ 5. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.
___ 6. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the food I grew up with, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can deal with my hair.
___ 7. Whether I use checks, credit cards, or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial responsibility.
___ 8. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing, or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race.
___ 9. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.
___ 10. I can take a job or enroll in a college with an affirmative action policy without having my co-workers or peers assume I got it because of my race.
___ 11. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race.
___ 12. I can choose public accommodation with out fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated.
___ 13. I am never asked to speak for all of the people of my racial group.
___ 14. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk with the"person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race.
___ 15. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven.t
been singled out because of my race.
___ 16. I can easily by posters, postcards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys, and
children.s magazines featuring people of my race.
___ 17. I can choose blemish cover or bandages in .flesh. color and have them more or less match my skin.
___ 18. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.
___ 19. I can walk into a classroom and know I will not be the only member of my race.
___ 20. I can enroll in a class at college and be sure that the majority of my professors will be of my race.
As a Jew, change race to religion and I can personally relate to some of these questions. (Invariably depending on the news of the day, I was sought out for the "Jewish" opinion at a mid-size publishing company I worked at years ago.) I grew up in a decidedly non-Jewish neighborhood, as well.
But unlike the race you wear on your face, I can choose to "hide" my faith/ethnicity.
Being recognized as the "other" means you're not the norm. As a writer it's easy to spot. When an adjective is added to a common noun, like "male nurse, woman truck driver, adopted child", you can see what society views as normal and what it does not.
Take the test, share it with your spouse and other family members and friends. Hey, do it at Thanksgiving and you're really get the conversation going :=)
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Birthmothers: Unspoken Side of Adoption
Look for this new documentary sometime in 2007:
"Resilience finally gives birthmothers who had to give up their child a voice about being single mothers, international adoption practices and society.
The documentary allows them to contemplate this serious, but often ignored and misrepresented, social issue in Korea. The personal stories about how and what happened are sometimes shocking and very emotional to the women. Only a few of the approached women had enough courage to participate. ``There are some birthmothers who are ready to speak up. The ones who participated usually met their child again.’’ The sensitiveness of the topic is illustrated by one young woman being filmed in silhouette."
Although it has a very religious tone which may be oft putting to some readers, the book, I Wish for You A Wonderful Life offers another useful glimpse into the perspective of our children's Korean mothers.
"Resilience finally gives birthmothers who had to give up their child a voice about being single mothers, international adoption practices and society.
The documentary allows them to contemplate this serious, but often ignored and misrepresented, social issue in Korea. The personal stories about how and what happened are sometimes shocking and very emotional to the women. Only a few of the approached women had enough courage to participate. ``There are some birthmothers who are ready to speak up. The ones who participated usually met their child again.’’ The sensitiveness of the topic is illustrated by one young woman being filmed in silhouette."
Although it has a very religious tone which may be oft putting to some readers, the book, I Wish for You A Wonderful Life offers another useful glimpse into the perspective of our children's Korean mothers.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Jewish Moms & Chinese Daughters
A good article with resonance for those of us with Korean-born sons and daughters.
Jewish Moms, Chinese Daughters
By Merri Rosenberg
Reprinted with permission from the Spring 2006 issue of Lilith Magazine. To read more or to subscribe, go to www.lilith.com.
Jewish Moms, Chinese Daughters
By Merri Rosenberg
Reprinted with permission from the Spring 2006 issue of Lilith Magazine. To read more or to subscribe, go to www.lilith.com.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Vanished! One day you wake up and your beloved has disappeared ...
We think we know what it's like to be uprooted from all we know, but we don't. At least not most of us. And of those who might know, almost none have experienced the dislocation and confusion of losing everything familiar to begin, yet again, anew and afraid.
Except for our children.
This article is taken from Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections. Please read and pass along.
====================================
A Different Perspective
Imagine for a moment ...
You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that
no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.
The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the
world...the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it's not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man?
Where is your beloved? A Different Perspective continues here ...
Carrie Kitze, Publisher
EMK Press
Books that hit home for adopted children and informational guides that help parents on the journey! Find our new parent book “Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections” at AdoptShoppe.
Except for our children.
This article is taken from Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections. Please read and pass along.
====================================
A Different Perspective
Imagine for a moment ...
You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that
no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.
The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the
world...the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it's not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man?
Where is your beloved? A Different Perspective continues here ...
Carrie Kitze, Publisher
EMK Press
Books that hit home for adopted children and informational guides that help parents on the journey! Find our new parent book “Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections” at AdoptShoppe.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
Yeah, what she said - The Last Word on Madonna
Wow, what a terrific article from Salon.com ... I think this essay just about sums it up for me.
Don't justify my love
Madonna will soon find out it's tough enough to be an adoptive parent without being accused of "baby buying." - by Mary Kane
Don't justify my love
Madonna will soon find out it's tough enough to be an adoptive parent without being accused of "baby buying." - by Mary Kane
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Can you stand one more comment about Madonna?
More words have spilled about Madonna and her pursuit to adopt a Malawi toddler than I can remember in a very long time. I think this has made more folks hot than her Sex coffee table book, her Kaballah beliefs, or her fixation on the crucifix.
Be that as it may, here's what I think (for anyone who cares):
Madonna, or any celebrity family for that matter is entitled to adopt a child as long as all US and native country adoption laws are fully adhered to and satisfied. (My understanding is that she and hubby are adopting under US jurisdiction.
I haven't heard Madonna talk about the lengthy homestudy process, or the paperwork, or any of the usual frustrating process stuff most APs struggle with prior to having their child join them. It certainly does appear that she swooped in with her $$ and celebrity, plucked a child out of his orphanage, and flew home with him. If so, she does the process, already a problematic exercise, and the children she wants to help, a huge disservice.
And my G-d, she wants to "save" this little boy.
There are millions of AIDS orphans in Africa, children with no parents and no kin. Why not choose a child with no one to call his/her own? Why choose a child with a father who wants his child, just lacks the means to support him?
I know she's offered several millions of dollars in support. How about building clinics, schools, and rather than just throw money, how about schools to teach adults various trades? (Give a man a fish and he eats for a single day. Teach him how to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.) Then parents/families will be able to afford to keep their children rather than force them to consider orphanage care.
I have no doubt that this little boy's father agreed to have Madonna take his boy to be educated and have a good life as a loving sponsor. I also have no doubt he didn't understand the legal ramifications of adoption and that he was agreeing to relinquish custody forever.
Whether or not the "Material Girl" is a fit parent isn't the issue. (She may or may not be. That's for the homestudy to evaluate.) Did she abide by whatever law governs adoption between the US and Malawi? I have no idea. But even if she did, was she -- and were the government officials involved -- ethical in appearance or execution of this process?
No, I think not. And if Madonna really understood the Jewish tenets of Kaballah, she'd know that appearance -- what the community would think seeing what appears to be an unethical act" -- is practically as important as the act itself.
I have no doubt she means well, that she was deeply moved by the poverty she saw in Malawi. Who wouldn't be. But bottom line, this little guy has a father who loves him. The ethical thing would be to help Dad provide for his son. Then they could both learn to fish and eat for a lifetime, side by side.
Be that as it may, here's what I think (for anyone who cares):
Madonna, or any celebrity family for that matter is entitled to adopt a child as long as all US and native country adoption laws are fully adhered to and satisfied. (My understanding is that she and hubby are adopting under US jurisdiction.
I haven't heard Madonna talk about the lengthy homestudy process, or the paperwork, or any of the usual frustrating process stuff most APs struggle with prior to having their child join them. It certainly does appear that she swooped in with her $$ and celebrity, plucked a child out of his orphanage, and flew home with him. If so, she does the process, already a problematic exercise, and the children she wants to help, a huge disservice.
And my G-d, she wants to "save" this little boy.
There are millions of AIDS orphans in Africa, children with no parents and no kin. Why not choose a child with no one to call his/her own? Why choose a child with a father who wants his child, just lacks the means to support him?
I know she's offered several millions of dollars in support. How about building clinics, schools, and rather than just throw money, how about schools to teach adults various trades? (Give a man a fish and he eats for a single day. Teach him how to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.) Then parents/families will be able to afford to keep their children rather than force them to consider orphanage care.
I have no doubt that this little boy's father agreed to have Madonna take his boy to be educated and have a good life as a loving sponsor. I also have no doubt he didn't understand the legal ramifications of adoption and that he was agreeing to relinquish custody forever.
Whether or not the "Material Girl" is a fit parent isn't the issue. (She may or may not be. That's for the homestudy to evaluate.) Did she abide by whatever law governs adoption between the US and Malawi? I have no idea. But even if she did, was she -- and were the government officials involved -- ethical in appearance or execution of this process?
No, I think not. And if Madonna really understood the Jewish tenets of Kaballah, she'd know that appearance -- what the community would think seeing what appears to be an unethical act" -- is practically as important as the act itself.
I have no doubt she means well, that she was deeply moved by the poverty she saw in Malawi. Who wouldn't be. But bottom line, this little guy has a father who loves him. The ethical thing would be to help Dad provide for his son. Then they could both learn to fish and eat for a lifetime, side by side.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Bonding & Attaching with your adopted child from Korea
Lots of parents who adopt from Korea may mistakenly believe that they and their children are somehow completely immune from attachment issues. Thinking that because the majority of our children live with foster families in a more personal and intimate setting that the children are magically protected.
Truth is most children will grieve their initial loss of the people and environment they leave, even infants, but generally most children will securely attach over time with their adoptive families. Our youngest daughter arrived at 4 months of age. She was mad and outraged at her upheaval. It took several months to coax her out of her anger. I often thought that G-d was good, since I was already an experienced mother who knew not to take my little peanut's wrath personally. She was just royally pissed off. In time, she began to trust her permanence, my permanence in her life. Today she is a happy, confident and well-attached little girl.
But some children do get stuck in their grief and confusion and do not securely attach.
This information is for those parents who may be struggling with this thinking "Korean children don't suffer attachment disorders." There is a new Yahoo Group, Attach Korea you may want to investigate. This group is for those parents dealing with moderate to serious attachment issues. (Be prepared to prove it, too.)
But for general information, here are some recommendations provided by parents themselves struggling with attachment issues:
BOOKS (** you can find these at AdoptShoppe)
Truth is most children will grieve their initial loss of the people and environment they leave, even infants, but generally most children will securely attach over time with their adoptive families. Our youngest daughter arrived at 4 months of age. She was mad and outraged at her upheaval. It took several months to coax her out of her anger. I often thought that G-d was good, since I was already an experienced mother who knew not to take my little peanut's wrath personally. She was just royally pissed off. In time, she began to trust her permanence, my permanence in her life. Today she is a happy, confident and well-attached little girl.
But some children do get stuck in their grief and confusion and do not securely attach.
This information is for those parents who may be struggling with this thinking "Korean children don't suffer attachment disorders." There is a new Yahoo Group, Attach Korea you may want to investigate. This group is for those parents dealing with moderate to serious attachment issues. (Be prepared to prove it, too.)
But for general information, here are some recommendations provided by parents themselves struggling with attachment issues:
BOOKS (** you can find these at AdoptShoppe)
- Different But Equal,by Patricia McLaughlin
- Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft, by Mary Hopkins-Best **
- With Eyes Wide Open, published by Children's Home Society of Minnesota **
- Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families With Special-Needs Kids, a Guide for Parents and Professionals, Gregory C. Keck, Regina Kupecky
- Helping Children Cope With Separation and Loss, Claudia Jewett
- Holding Time, Martha Welch
- Raising Your Spirited Child, Mary Sheedy-Kurcinka
- When Love is Not Enough, Nancy Thomas
- Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents, Deborah Gray **
- Parenting the Hurt Child, Gregory C. Keck, Regina Kupecky
- Becoming Attached, Robert Karen
- Parenting With Love and Logic, Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Kay
- The Out-of-Sync Child, Carol Stock-Kranowitz
- Parenting Your Adopted Older Child, Brenda McCreight, Ph.D.
- Our Own: Parenting the Adopted Older Child, Trish Maskew **
Here are also two sites with excellent information:
A 4Ever Family
(started by someone on the Korean-Attach list)
http://www.a4everfamily.org
Attach-China
http://www.attach-china.org
Don't be afraid or ashamed to admit when you could use some help.
Get the information and support you, your child and your family needs.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
WorldWide Orphans Foundation Gift Registry
I received a postcard this week from Dr Jane Aronson's ("The Orphan Doctor") WorldWide Orphans Foundation about their new "gift" registry and I thought it was a terrific idea.
You have the chance to bid on critically needed equipment, services, and supplies for children living in Ethiopia, Vietnam, Bulgaria, and all over the world.
This is not an adoption charity. The foundation's focus is on children without families who remain in their birth countries. It is a way to "give back" to children just like our own children who in great need of just about everything.
The bid prices range from $20,000 to $100. It's understandable that we APs may want to support causes more related to our own children's birth countries, and we should certainly do that. But I think it's also important to think more globally about children's issues and that is why organizations like WWO are so important.
WWO First' Annual Gift Registry -- Surely there is something there we can all "bid" on.
Share the link and let everyone know!
You have the chance to bid on critically needed equipment, services, and supplies for children living in Ethiopia, Vietnam, Bulgaria, and all over the world.
This is not an adoption charity. The foundation's focus is on children without families who remain in their birth countries. It is a way to "give back" to children just like our own children who in great need of just about everything.
The bid prices range from $20,000 to $100. It's understandable that we APs may want to support causes more related to our own children's birth countries, and we should certainly do that. But I think it's also important to think more globally about children's issues and that is why organizations like WWO are so important.
WWO First' Annual Gift Registry -- Surely there is something there we can all "bid" on.
Share the link and let everyone know!
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Chuseok & Sukkot - Together Again for the First Time (or not)
Something about the fall harvest makes us grateful. That's why the Pilgrims modeled their feast of "thanksgiving" on the biblical holiday Jews celebrate as Sukkot (soo-KOTE) or the Feast of Tabernacles.
More About Sukkot
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sukkot
Tomorrow is also celebrated across Asia. In China, it's called the Moon Festival and celebrated with special shaped cookies and cakes. In Korea, it's called Chuseok. It's all about family and celebrating the harvest.
So whether you'll be celebrating one (or both), enjoy!
More About Chuseok
http://en.wikipedia
How to set up the ritual table:
http://english.
Monday, October 02, 2006
New Cultural Coloring Pages at Rainbowkids.com
Adoption Shout-Out!
Martha Osborne is celebrating the 10th anniversary of her popular adoption site, RainbowKids. She's recently revised the look and feel of the site and, as part of the changes, added an extensive section of cultural information for children.
Download the coloring pages and check out the new design.
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Martha Osborne is celebrating the 10th anniversary of her popular adoption site, RainbowKids. She's recently revised the look and feel of the site and, as part of the changes, added an extensive section of cultural information for children.
Download the coloring pages and check out the new design.
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Enjoy Adopting from Korea, Mom Blog & Rant? Please add us to your Technorati favorites.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Certificate of Citizenship - Timeline
After spending the last few years waiting for USCIS to declare adoption finalization papers acceptable proof and formal documentation of US citizenship (and it's still not), I decided to get my youngest kidlet her Certificate of Citizenship.
We submitted her paperwork and check for $215 in late May. We received her COC today via certified mail. About 4 months. (In comparison, we waited 18 months for Spencer's (1999) and had to involve our US Congressional office for assistance.)
Sometimes things do go right. Now we're off to SSA office with COC in hand to have her SSA account changed from "resident alien" to US Citizen.
Remember - this is NOT an automatic process. Get your child a US Passport or COC and make sure you march down to SSA and get your child's status updated.
Without documented proof of Citizenship, SSA will not update the status. And if you or your spouse dies before the status is upgraded, your child will receive reduced benefits.
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We submitted her paperwork and check for $215 in late May. We received her COC today via certified mail. About 4 months. (In comparison, we waited 18 months for Spencer's (1999) and had to involve our US Congressional office for assistance.)
Sometimes things do go right. Now we're off to SSA office with COC in hand to have her SSA account changed from "resident alien" to US Citizen.
Remember - this is NOT an automatic process. Get your child a US Passport or COC and make sure you march down to SSA and get your child's status updated.
Without documented proof of Citizenship, SSA will not update the status. And if you or your spouse dies before the status is upgraded, your child will receive reduced benefits.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Enjoy Adopting from Korea, Mom Blog & Rant? Please add us to your Technorati favorites.
Interesting Site & Resources - IMDiversity.com
Saw this in my web travels today. Check out:
IMDiversity.com and read how it got started ... Check out the Asian-American Village Section ... and then their list of adoption/transracial resources
I'd bookmark this one for future reference!
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IMDiversity.com and read how it got started ... Check out the Asian-American Village Section ... and then their list of adoption/transracial resources
I'd bookmark this one for future reference!
--------------------------------------------
Enjoy Adopting from Korea, Mom Blog & Rant? Please add us to your Technorati favorites.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
A different take on Diaspora
Diaspora means "a dispersion of a people from their original homeland." A new film from Israel explores a community of Vietnamese "boat people" who rescued near Japan came to live, work, and raise their families in Israel.
I think there's a lot here that would resonate with internationally adopted persons.
Vietnamese "boat people" go Israeli, then visit their home in documentary
Enjoy Adopting from Korea, Mom Blog & Rant? Please add us to your Technorati favorites.
I think there's a lot here that would resonate with internationally adopted persons.
Vietnamese "boat people" go Israeli, then visit their home in documentary
Enjoy Adopting from Korea, Mom Blog & Rant? Please add us to your Technorati favorites.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
From NPR - Our Chinese (Korean, Kazakh, Ethiopian) Jewish Daughters
Got this link from APC today ... a Jewish dad comments on the High Holidays and the increasing number of international adoptees in the Jewish community.
Jewish Chinese Adoptees on NPR
(The segment also discusses George Allen and Madelaine Albright and the late discovery of their Jewish parentage. Although not brought up Jewish, both of these folks are and remain Jewish by traditional Jewish law since both come from Jewish mothers.)
Enjoy Adopting from Korea, Mom Blog & Rant? Please add us to your Technorati favorites.
Enjoy Adopting from Korea, Mom Blog & Rant? Please add us to your Technorati favorites.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Another Example of Why Ethical Adoption is So Critical
A poster on ThirdMom shared this link from New York Magazine.
But obviously it did, at least this one time. And I'm quite sure, it has happened more than this time, as well.
This article depicts a tragedy at so many levels it's hard to know where to begin. I can only hope that Chad, his APs, and his Korean family can find a way to love and support each other through such immeasurable pain and find light in such dark and murky circumstances.
"We gave him up to save his life"
For five increasingly horrific years, the adoption agencies insisted that Chad Ostrowski's memory of a father in Korea was fantasy. When Anne Marie and John finally learned the truth about their beloved boy, they made the ultimate sacrifice.
I was appalled at this situation for a number of reasons. Primarily, tho, that the father's girlfriend was able to place a child not her own for adoption ... how does that possibly happen? I do know that in years past, grandparents, sometimes in secret, did bring children to orphanages for adoption placement. But a girlfriend? How does something like this happen?
But obviously it did, at least this one time. And I'm quite sure, it has happened more than this time, as well.
This article depicts a tragedy at so many levels it's hard to know where to begin. I can only hope that Chad, his APs, and his Korean family can find a way to love and support each other through such immeasurable pain and find light in such dark and murky circumstances.
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