Video Views from Adopted The Movie

I spent some time this afternoon viewing scenes from the upcoming movie, Adopted The Movie. It includes numerous clips with Korean adoptees that I urge you to watch and listen to with your heart wide open.

Our children are talking to us from the other side of the divide.

Check out these out at YouTube as well the official website.

• http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=adoptedthemovie
• http://www.adoptedthemovie.com

Adoption.com says "No!" to California families

I saw this post on the Family Pride blog and thought it was newsworthy enough to share here. (Korea has always restricted its international adoption activity to traditional 2-parent families, although domestic law now allows singles to adopt.) I found the legal wrangling interesting.

adoption.com shows its true colors

My personal viewpoint? Kids need loving families, period. If 2 moms or 2 dads or single moms/dads are willing to do the classes and coursework, the homestudy, the various federal/state/county investigations and interviews - and pass - then why not open up the pool to more qualified families.

The fact that Adoption.com and its affiliate would prefer to pull out of California rather than comply with state statute is sad for prospective California parents, gay or straight, and kids waiting for nurturing, stable homes.

A Baby Naming & A Tol Celebration

I read this beautiful essay, Challah and Rice Cakes, in this month's issue of Interfaith Family. A familiy celebrates the first birthday of their Korean-born daughter and officially and formally welcomes her to the Jewish community.

Enjoy!

Flickering Motherhood - Korean Birthmoms Online Community

I saw this multi-part essay mentioned on one of the Korean Adoptee Egroups. It's a bit of a dense read, very academic style, and it does have a strong feminist orientation, but it's worth the effort.

A Flickering MotherhoodKorean Birthmothers' Internet Community

Thoughts Potpourri on Mother's Day 2007

As many of you may have noticed, I took a blogging breather for quite a few months. Longer than I had anticipated actually. With so much going on in my personal and professional life -- and in the larger world outside my doors -- I had much to say, yet I just didn't have the heart at the time to share.

With only 24 hours in a day, once you eliminate that 3-4 hours of restless sleep :=) , there's only so much time to get everything done. (And I'm still finding excuses not to dust my bedroom or clean the jacuzzi tub.)

In a multi-titled, multi-tasking world, sometimes you have to choose one to push forward.

I have spent the last few months concentrating more on my professional life. I'm a marketing consultant/strategist/copywriter by primary trade and I needed to spend more time pumping effort into the work that helps keep my family financially afloat. It's been good and with much time devoted to my business blog, The Copywriting Maven, I've been able to attract interest and the occasional new client.

But today is Mother's Day. My eldest child, the one born to me, made me a mother for the first time 15 years ago. She was born two days before Mother's Day - a tremendous gift. Now fully engaged in her teens, she is my "experimental model" and I succeed and fail and learn with her as my guide.

My youngest children, now 8 and 9, are the children, to use the familiar phrase, born in my heart. They get the benefit of a more experienced mother with every phase except when it comes to the unknowables of their hearts where moms and sometimes dad - birth and adoptive - reside. Where there are only questions and ponderables and specifics hard to find.

Together, they and I, muddle through.

At almost 10, my son seeks my hugs and kisses but not in public. One of my favorite teases is to kiss and hug him goodnight -- and then threaten to call one of his friends with, "Hi James, this is Spence's Mom, I'm giving him a humongous hug right now!" Spence tells me I'm his bestest mom, but I'm not the only mom. And he is more than right.

And I think of my children's first moms and of my own mom who died physically in 1999 but whose zesty spirit was stolen by depression years before.

What my youngest children and I share is the puzzlement and deep ache of "what if, what could have been." It is a sad and solitary pondering that I only allow myself to indulge in rarely. I much prefer the world of "what is and what could be."

Sometimes it's good just to shut up and listen.

I've been a reader of other voices in the adoption world these past several months. I've left the heavy lifting to others whose eloquence and bravery puts my comfortable glibness to shame. Just check out the blogroll at Third Mom and you'll see what I mean. Spend time with these articulate "first and subsequent" moms. Take a deep breath and read the full-spectrum of prose and poetry written by adoptees themselves.

Prepare to be shaken to the core and be ready to reconstitute yourself a little smarter and a lot more humble. You'll be a better parent, I promise you.

When the nurse first handed me my daughter, all cleaned up, swaddled tight and sporting a little striped cap, I thought, "Whoa, how am I going to do this?" Frankly, after 15 years and 3 kids later, I still wake up everyday with the same question.

But I do. Learning from others and trusting my instincts and learning not to be afraid of failing from time to time, I do muddle through. And when I don't? My children forgive me.

And so will yours.

Happy Mother's Day to us all today.

Completely Off-Topic - What Color Are You?

I've been "Colored Me Beautiful" (I'm a winter), liked the movie, The Color of Money, but this little color test I found on Purple Wren was way more fun. What's more, and surprising since my favorite color is red, I found my color description, PURPLE, completely apt.

Spontaneity is the key to your existence. Quick-witted with a flair for originality, you enjoy situations that allow you to explore your creativity. Comparatively conservative, you appreciate beautiful surroundings, especially if they’re found in nature. Your relaxed and self-assured personality allows you to work well with others. Surprisingly enough, your unique and unusual tastes don’t prevent you from being comfortable among your more conservative peers.

What color are you? Find out here ... and report back, please!

Christmas Eve Potpourri - A Little Bit of This & That

My Baby Girl Turns 8 Today

Today, my youngest daughter turned 8. She is a Jewish girl with a Christmas Eve birthday. As is our tradition, we begin the celebration the night before. She asked for a chocolate ice cream cake with Hershey Kisses.

We eased the "8" candle into the frosting and added two extra candles. One for my darling girl to grow on. One as a way for her to honor her first mother, her Korean mother. "Before you make a wish for you, make a special wish to her because she is thinking of you, too."

Unlike my son who is my deep thinker and often ponders the circumstances of his Korean family and his adoption, my little girl lives very much in the present. She is the ultimate believer in "Be Here Now." I wait for the big questions, but they don't seem to be much on her mind. I gently encourage the big questions with books or teachable moments from TV, but nope, just not on her mind.

How different our children are as they find their respective paths to self and self-awareness. Okay, I say. I'm here when you're ready.

****************

The Rules of Otherness

I found this on one of the multiracial Jewish listgroups I belong to. (Jewish and non-white and adopted can make for a major load of "otherness.") I like 'em as they reflect much of my own beliefs. Call them Rules of Thumb Governing "Otherness" when it comes to our special families. They refer to school, neighborhood, religious institutions and community at large.

1. I don't want us EVER to be the only Jewish family.

I could be one of a handful, but not the only. When I was first married to my ex-husband, we looked for places to live. Charles County, MD in 1977, close to my husband's work and with cheaper rents, didn't have a single synagogue. We took a pass.

2. I don't want us EVER to be the only multi-racial family.

Our kids need to see themselves and their families reflected in the larger world outside.

3. There has to be diversity already. My children can never BE the diversity.

I think this is the most important rule of all. Asking our children to carry this responsibility is unfair and burdensome. Childhood is hard enough without having to play ambassador, too. Race matters and love is not enough. Period.

None of this is easy. It means evaluating job offers/transfers, schools and neighborhoods in a way you may have never thought about before. It means asking your church or synagogue about the diversity of the congregation. With all of this, we as parents still risk "not getting it" or "getting it wrong." But try we must.

***************

Why wishing me "Merry Christmas" is fine, but "Happy Holidays" is better.

So much discussion online, in the newspapers and TV about the "Happy Holidays" vs "Merry Christmas" wars. I have no idea why the more inclusive "Happy Holidays" somehow undercuts someone else's personal observance of whatever he or she may celebrate, but there you go. To my mind, "Happy Holidays" includes New Year's so I'm thinking no matter what, I'm wishing somebody something good in December.

Doesn't that count? :=)

As Hanukkah (mercifully!) concludes this evening and Christmas begins, I'm wishing you and yours "something good" -- enjoy this fun and festive Christmas song video from from Korea. Cute tune, cute kids.

I Have A Little Dreidel ...

Since our first born was old enough to have a little friend or two, we've always made the first night of Hanukkah a night for the kids and their non-Jewish friends. It's fun, festive, and gives the non-Jewish kids a chance to experience a different kind of holiday.

This evening, our oldest had 1 friend, our son 2 friends, and our youngest daughter also had 2 friends. Hubby made latkes (potato pancakes), we served doughnuts (fried food is the centerpiece of the holiday) and played Dreidel with chocolate coins in gold foil.

Now you have to appreciate the mix in my house: couple of white kids, couple of East Asian kids, and a couple of Korean kids. Some Christian, some Hindu, some Jewish. I listened and watched them all play Dreidel using the hebrew names for each spin.

Say what you will, I love this country :=)

I found this on YouTube. Wishing you and yours a swinging, rocking Hanukkah!

When Did We Stop Caring About Children Not Our Own? Bus Stops & Mom Behaviors

I turn 52 next month. I've been a parent for over 14 years now. I've spent the last 10 walking my kids to and from the elementary school bus stop. Where we used to live, I was one of two parents who made the daily trip. In our new community, I am one of half-a-dozen or so parents who escort their little cherubs on and off the bus.

Yet, I remain the only parent who "parents" the kids whose parents aren't there. I'm the mom who reminds a child to zip a jacket or ask him where his jacket is when the weather turns cold. (Sometimes I even do the zipping.) I'm the mom who yells, "Nobody move until the bus stops completely" before the kids start swarming the morning bus. And I'm the mom who tells the kids, including my own, to get off the neighbor's lawn so he'll have something green come Spring.

The other moms are nice people. I enjoy speaking with them. But they don't engage anyone else's child but their own. (I even heard one mom mutter, "I don't care. He's not mine.")

There's no question in my mind that my behavior is rooted in my 1950s/1960s upbringing where every mom on my block parented every child on the block. That's what grown-ups did back then. It was part of the job.

But not today, not anymore. I suppose I do this a little out of fear. G-d forbid a child should slide under a bus wheel while on my "watch" -- how could I live with myself if that were to happen? Tell the cops it wasn't my job since it wasn't my kid?

So, I've accepted that this job is simply part of my overall karma. I am the bus stop monitor who zips jackets, and wipes noses, and keeps kids off the neighbor's grass. I will be out there, rain or shine, until my youngest no longer rides the elementary school bus. That's 3 years from now.

Will there be another mom to take my place when my job concludes? You tell me.

Michael Richards is no Andy Kaufman

Since I spent some time railing about Mel Gibson's vicious anti-semitic rant, it's only fair I comment on the latest "celebrity gone mad", Michael Richards. His deeply racist, hateful spew was captured on someone's cellphone camera. (I won't show it here, but you can see it just about anywhere.)

Here's what we know:

• Richard's career has been moribund since Seinfeld went off the air
• He didn't work stand-up in his early days. He was a sketch artist (If you're of a certain age, you might remember him from the short-lived SNL clone, Fridays. Larry David (Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm) was also on this show.
• The heckler who first taunted him wasn't African-American.
• A few days prior to the well-publicized meltdown, Richard's performance included vicious attacks on women and Jews (Richards is Jewish.)

Some comics pushed the envelope with great regularity - Andy Kaufman, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Sam Kinison. These guys were genius. (I might add Sascha Baron Cohen (Barat) to the mix, as well.) Great art, comic or otherwise, forces us to examine our deepest selves and it isn't always pretty. In fact, most of time, it can be deeply disturbing.

But at some point, the comic alerts his/her audience to the joke. Richards, if he was attempting to walk in the giants of this comic art, failed miserably. If he wasn't, then he needs help. With his rage, his racism, and his misogyny.

Many moons ago, when I was very young, I did stand-up comedy. (Trust me, even with death, divorce, and childbirth in my history, stand-up comedy is harder.) Being heckled is part of the job. How a comic handles it marks him/her as a professional ... or not.

I liked Richards, thought he was a terrific physical comic actor. A first-rate second banana. But a little of him goes a long way. Now? A little of him is way too much. Richards should seek out his friends for help and intervention and stay off the stage until he gets himself together and into some serious therapy.

White Privilege Checklist: What's Your Score?

I've often said (and adoptkorea.com repeats) that when we adopt transracially, we are no longer a white family with a child of color. We become a transracial family.

But that's at home. When we're out and about in public, there's us white APs (if you're indeed white) and our Asian/AA/biracial children. Consider this checklist below and the privileges that are afforded us because of our majority/mainstream status:

White Privilege Checklist

Peggy McIntosh, Associate Director of the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, describes white privilege as an invisible package of unearned assets, which I can count on cashing in each day, but about which I was .meant. to remain oblivious. White privilege is like an invisible weightless knapsack of special provisions, maps, passports, code books, visas, clothes, tools, and blank checks. (McIntosh, 1989).

___ 1. I can arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.

___ 2. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.

___ 3. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.

___ 4. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization", I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.

___ 5. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.

___ 6. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the food I grew up with, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can deal with my hair.

___ 7. Whether I use checks, credit cards, or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial responsibility.

___ 8. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing, or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race.

___ 9. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.

___ 10. I can take a job or enroll in a college with an affirmative action policy without having my co-workers or peers assume I got it because of my race.

___ 11. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race.

___ 12. I can choose public accommodation with out fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated.

___ 13. I am never asked to speak for all of the people of my racial group.

___ 14. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk with the"person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race.

___ 15. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven.t
been singled out because of my race.

___ 16. I can easily by posters, postcards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys, and
children.s magazines featuring people of my race.

___ 17. I can choose blemish cover or bandages in .flesh. color and have them more or less match my skin.

___ 18. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.

___ 19. I can walk into a classroom and know I will not be the only member of my race.

___ 20. I can enroll in a class at college and be sure that the majority of my professors will be of my race.

As a Jew, change race to religion and I can personally relate to some of these questions. (Invariably depending on the news of the day, I was sought out for the "Jewish" opinion at a mid-size publishing company I worked at years ago.) I grew up in a decidedly non-Jewish neighborhood, as well.

But unlike the race you wear on your face, I can choose to "hide" my faith/ethnicity.

Being recognized as the "other" means you're not the norm. As a writer it's easy to spot. When an adjective is added to a common noun, like "male nurse, woman truck driver, adopted child", you can see what society views as normal and what it does not.

Take the test, share it with your spouse and other family members and friends. Hey, do it at Thanksgiving and you're really get the conversation going :=)

Birthmothers: Unspoken Side of Adoption

Look for this new documentary sometime in 2007:

"Resilience finally gives birthmothers who had to give up their child a voice about being single mothers, international adoption practices and society.

The documentary allows them to contemplate this serious, but often ignored and misrepresented, social issue in Korea. The personal stories about how and what happened are sometimes shocking and very emotional to the women. Only a few of the approached women had enough courage to participate. ``There are some birthmothers who are ready to speak up. The ones who participated usually met their child again.’’ The sensitiveness of the topic is illustrated by one young woman being filmed in silhouette."

Although it has a very religious tone which may be oft putting to some readers, the book, I Wish for You A Wonderful Life offers another useful glimpse into the perspective of our children's Korean mothers.

Jewish Moms & Chinese Daughters

A good article with resonance for those of us with Korean-born sons and daughters.

Jewish Moms, Chinese Daughters
By Merri Rosenberg
Reprinted with permission from the Spring 2006 issue of Lilith Magazine. To read more or to subscribe, go to www.lilith.com.

Vanished! One day you wake up and your beloved has disappeared ...

We think we know what it's like to be uprooted from all we know, but we don't. At least not most of us. And of those who might know, almost none have experienced the dislocation and confusion of losing everything familiar to begin, yet again, anew and afraid.

Except for our children.

This article is taken from Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections. Please read and pass along.

====================================

A Different Perspective

Imagine for a moment ...

You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that
no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the
world...the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it's not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man?

Where is your beloved? A Different Perspective continues here ...

Carrie Kitze, Publisher
EMK Press

Books that hit home for adopted children and informational guides that help parents on the journey! Find our new parent book “Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections” at AdoptShoppe.

Ghost Stories from Korea

Why NOT a ghost story or two from Korea!
Korean Ghost Stories

Be safe, have fun, and Happy Halloween!

Yeah, what she said - The Last Word on Madonna

Wow, what a terrific article from Salon.com ... I think this essay just about sums it up for me.

Don't justify my love
Madonna will soon find out it's tough enough to be an adoptive parent without being accused of "baby buying." - by Mary Kane

Can you stand one more comment about Madonna?

More words have spilled about Madonna and her pursuit to adopt a Malawi toddler than I can remember in a very long time. I think this has made more folks hot than her Sex coffee table book, her Kaballah beliefs, or her fixation on the crucifix.

Be that as it may, here's what I think (for anyone who cares):

Madonna, or any celebrity family for that matter is entitled to adopt a child as long as all US and native country adoption laws are fully adhered to and satisfied. (My understanding is that she and hubby are adopting under US jurisdiction.

I haven't heard Madonna talk about the lengthy homestudy process, or the paperwork, or any of the usual frustrating process stuff most APs struggle with prior to having their child join them. It certainly does appear that she swooped in with her $$ and celebrity, plucked a child out of his orphanage, and flew home with him. If so, she does the process, already a problematic exercise, and the children she wants to help, a huge disservice.

And my G-d, she wants to "save" this little boy.

There are millions of AIDS orphans in Africa, children with no parents and no kin. Why not choose a child with no one to call his/her own? Why choose a child with a father who wants his child, just lacks the means to support him?

I know she's offered several millions of dollars in support. How about building clinics, schools, and rather than just throw money, how about schools to teach adults various trades? (Give a man a fish and he eats for a single day. Teach him how to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.) Then parents/families will be able to afford to keep their children rather than force them to consider orphanage care.

I have no doubt that this little boy's father agreed to have Madonna take his boy to be educated and have a good life as a loving sponsor. I also have no doubt he didn't understand the legal ramifications of adoption and that he was agreeing to relinquish custody forever.

Whether or not the "Material Girl" is a fit parent isn't the issue. (She may or may not be. That's for the homestudy to evaluate.) Did she abide by whatever law governs adoption between the US and Malawi? I have no idea. But even if she did, was she -- and were the government officials involved -- ethical in appearance or execution of this process?

No, I think not. And if Madonna really understood the Jewish tenets of Kaballah, she'd know that appearance -- what the community would think seeing what appears to be an unethical act" -- is practically as important as the act itself.

I have no doubt she means well, that she was deeply moved by the poverty she saw in Malawi. Who wouldn't be. But bottom line, this little guy has a father who loves him. The ethical thing would be to help Dad provide for his son. Then they could both learn to fish and eat for a lifetime, side by side.

Bonding & Attaching with your adopted child from Korea

Lots of parents who adopt from Korea may mistakenly believe that they and their children are somehow completely immune from attachment issues. Thinking that because the majority of our children live with foster families in a more personal and intimate setting that the children are magically protected.

Truth is most children will grieve their initial loss of the people and environment they leave, even infants, but generally most children will securely attach over time with their adoptive families. Our youngest daughter arrived at 4 months of age. She was mad and outraged at her upheaval. It took several months to coax her out of her anger. I often thought that G-d was good, since I was already an experienced mother who knew not to take my little peanut's wrath personally. She was just royally pissed off. In time, she began to trust her permanence, my permanence in her life. Today she is a happy, confident and well-attached little girl.

But some children do get stuck in their grief and confusion and do not securely attach.

This information is for those parents who may be struggling with this thinking "Korean children don't suffer attachment disorders." There is a new Yahoo Group, Attach Korea you may want to investigate. This group is for those parents dealing with moderate to serious attachment issues. (Be prepared to prove it, too.)

But for general information, here are some recommendations provided by parents themselves struggling with attachment issues:

BOOKS (** you can find these at AdoptShoppe)

• Different But Equal,by Patricia McLaughlin
• Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft, by Mary Hopkins-Best **
  
• With Eyes Wide Open, published by Children's Home Society of Minnesota **
  
• Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families With Special-Needs Kids, a Guide for Parents and Professionals, Gregory C. Keck, Regina Kupecky
• Helping Children Cope With Separation and Loss, Claudia Jewett
• Holding Time, Martha Welch
• Raising Your Spirited Child, Mary Sheedy-Kurcinka
• When Love is Not Enough, Nancy Thomas
• Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents, Deborah Gray **
  
• Parenting the Hurt Child, Gregory C. Keck, Regina Kupecky
• Becoming Attached, Robert Karen
• Parenting With Love and Logic, Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Kay
• The Out-of-Sync Child, Carol Stock-Kranowitz
• Parenting Your Adopted Older Child, Brenda McCreight, Ph.D.
• Our Own: Parenting the Adopted Older Child, Trish Maskew **
  

Here are also two sites with excellent information:

A 4Ever Family
(started by someone on the Korean-Attach list)
http://www.a4everfamily.org

Attach-China
http://www.attach-china.org

Don't be afraid or ashamed to admit when you could use some help.
Get the information and support you, your child and your family needs.

WorldWide Orphans Foundation Gift Registry

I received a postcard this week from Dr Jane Aronson's ("The Orphan Doctor") WorldWide Orphans Foundation about their new "gift" registry and I thought it was a terrific idea.

You have the chance to bid on critically needed equipment, services, and supplies for children living in Ethiopia, Vietnam, Bulgaria, and all over the world.

This is not an adoption charity. The foundation's focus is on children without families who remain in their birth countries. It is a way to "give back" to children just like our own children who in great need of just about everything.

The bid prices range from $20,000 to $100. It's understandable that we APs may want to support causes more related to our own children's birth countries, and we should certainly do that. But I think it's also important to think more globally about children's issues and that is why organizations like WWO are so important.

WWO First' Annual Gift Registry -- Surely there is something there we can all "bid" on.

Share the link and let everyone know!

Chuseok & Sukkot - Together Again for the First Time (or not)

Something about the fall harvest makes us grateful. That's why the Pilgrims modeled their feast of "thanksgiving" on the biblical holiday Jews celebrate as Sukkot (soo-KOTE) or the Feast of Tabernacles.

More About Sukkot
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sukkot

Tomorrow is also celebrated across Asia. In China, it's called the Moon Festival and celebrated with special shaped cookies and cakes. In Korea, it's called Chuseok. It's all about family and celebrating the harvest.

So whether you'll be celebrating one (or both), enjoy!

More About Chuseok
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuseok

How to set up the ritual table:
http://english.chosun.com/w21data/html/news/200610/200610040006.html